He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They are going to name an STD after you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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