You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
