Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You're a disaster
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