u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
