Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
