he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You were trust falling into bushes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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