I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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