So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
