I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
