I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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