So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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