I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just had sex bonerless
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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