So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
