she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
