I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
