just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
