you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
