I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
