He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
