he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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