You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
