i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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