There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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