Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
