i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
