im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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