when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
