A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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