remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
