Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
