Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
