i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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