i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
