"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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