I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I need to calm my uterus...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
