You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
