I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
time to smoke my breakfast
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
