He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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