She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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