I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
