dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
