My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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