everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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