i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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