theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
