if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
