I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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