I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
