i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
