I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
