I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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