"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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